Things that are Things

 

I am having a hard time staying focused and finding balance as of late.  There is a lot going on in my life, and much of it has the potential to be very good.  As usual, I can't help but think I don't deserve good things.

This usually leads to some form of self sabotage, a talent that unfortunately comes naturally to me. A slight of hand that is hard even for me to spot before it is too late.

It's not like I don't want to change this part of me, but it has been a very hard pattern to break.  In some ways thoughts and behaviors like this end up acting like a feedback loop for me.  

It is going to take a lot more time and energy to sort these things out, but in the end will be more than worth it!

 

Dreams

 

Other People's Dreams Will Get You Nowhere

 

These years they come and go, but today is here to stay.

     The habit of ignoring our present moments in favor of others yet to come leads directly to a pervasive lack of awareness of the web of life in which we are embedded. This includes a lack of awareness and understanding of our own mind and how it influences our perceptions and our actions. It severely limits our perspective on what it means to be a person and how we are connected to each other and the world around us. Religion has traditionally been the domain of such fundamental inquiries within a spiritual framework, but mindfulness has little to do with religion, except in the most fundamental meaning of the word, as an attempt to appreciate the deep mystery of being alive and to acknowledge being vitally connected to all that exists.     ~Jon Kabat-Zinn

 

␆

 

     Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature’s peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves.    ~John Muir

Correspondence from Sector Seven

Something is a little off kilter today in my part of the world today.  It feels like I am walking around in a PG-13 version of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.  Although, in this reality it would be so much better if the people around me were on drugs...

Not for the purpose of anyone getting "High", but it might just make them a little less crazed, and easier to deal with.

Instead it feels like a lot of these people are moments away from tipping off the edges that they have been taunting for some time now.

There are moments where it is tempting to leave them in their predicament, to let things play out for a bit.  Not sure if this is just because I don't feel like dealing with their issues, or if some macabre part of me wants to see what happens.

In any event, when it comes down to my reality, I am neither fan of nor capable of enjoying Schadenfreude.

So lest these people take charge of their situations, mine will require medical offsets of it's own. Otherwise sooner or later the gravity of their depraved realities are bound to pull me in.

I am so happy right now!  I know it is not real, but I still LOVE it!

Why do things seem so bright when staring at them from the bottom of a well?

Focus is determined by perspective, perspective is determined by focus....

GraveYard

I took this picture the other day when out snowshoeing, thought it was worth posting.

It is an old graveyard, still doing it's thing after all these years.

ADHD, Anxiety, and Eating Disorders - OH MY

Have you ever seen the movie Being John Malkovich?  If not... well you should watch it! Otherwise the whole thing is kinda complicated to explain, and will end up being a shitty metaphor.  Either way, I'll give it a whirl... the basic premise is that people get to inhabit the mind of a person for a short period of time, after which they are tossed into a ditch on the side of the New Jersey turnpike.

Ditch and Jersey Turnpike aside, I have this visceral need to be understood by others. Yet I feel fully incapable of explaining what it's truly like to be me. 

Sometimes this leaves me wishing that someone could sit in the passenger seat of my mind. I can't help but wonder how validating it would feel seeing the look on a person's face as they landed in the ditch, just having experienced the full treatment.  

At the same time, the idea of being "found out" scares the life out of me.  Such as this is, I find it hard to not feel isolated and misunderstood a great deal of the time.

I also have extreme anxiety about what others think about me.  Logically I know this should not play such a large role in how I live my life, but sometimes logic and emotions do not play well with each other in my world.  ;-)

Because I was not having enough fun sorting that stuff out, why not stir in a heaping American sized serving of eating disorders, and ADHD too.

So anyway,  I find myself torn, living between two extremes.  Isolation out of fear, and the fear of isolation...


Can anyone else relate to this?